


Loaf

by BobsAFloof



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Crack, Fluff and Crack, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-02
Updated: 2018-07-30
Packaged: 2019-01-08 06:12:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12248589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BobsAFloof/pseuds/BobsAFloof
Summary: bread





	1. Chapter 1

For Hanzo and Jesse's wedding, they wanted to fight the system so said fuck cake and lets use loaf. Loaf was the only thing that Hanzo could easily smear into a nice painting that Jesse had no choice but to let him hang in the living room. 

The day before the wedding, because they were daring like that, Mchandsoap duo went to Tracer and Winstons bread shop. They had one and were making good money, to please the gods of bread. 

Mchandsoap discovered this the hard way. They just wanted bread. 

Tracer threw a loaf at Jesse's face. He vacuumed it into his pie hole.

"Mmm, crayon."

Hanzo turned to Jesse. "Crayon? Dont you mean pencil, or even marker? Dont be discriminatory." 

"Babe when i say crayon i MEAN its freaking dicking crayon!"

"There will be no dicking crayons in here." said a deep voice, from a monkey figure looming in the shadows.

Jesse threw up the loaf, it was covered in his pink sparkly vomit. "Im sorry. Here ya go." 

Winston, the figure in the shadows, shot the loaf, disintegrating it. The pink glitter vomit remained. 

"I dont want it. You tainted it."

Tracer giggled. "Aww Winston! Lighten up! They're gettin married tomorrow! And they'll pay for our bread!"

Winston smirked. "Oh, but dont forget the rules."

Mchandsoap waited patiently to hear the rules.

"One, loaf. Two, loaf. And three, HNNNNNGGGGGGG"

Winston exploded, pieces of bread flying everywhere. Oh god. He was bread. Did that mean?

Tracer smiled big and wide. "YOU KNOW VEGEMITE IS THE MARMALADES DEVIL" 

She exploded too. But into soup, not bread. That traitor. 

"I KNEW SHE WAS SOUP! Always smellin like chicken noodle." exclaimed Jesse. 

Hanzo nodded. "Lets take Winstons bread chunks and make wedding stuffing. Then we can go to GAP and pick out gravy."

"I thought they only had clothes?" asked Jesse.

Hanzo kissed him on the cheek and grabbed his hand, gingerly. "Not if you know where to look."

As they walked out of the bread shop, they didnt see the flower shaped like a loaf blooming from Jesse's vomit.


	2. Oh no

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh god no

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Its time

The loaf flower from Jesse's pink sparkle vomit started to grow.

And grow.

And grow.

Until it was the size of godzilla.

It wanted to kill it's host. It wanted to kill Jesse. It grew teeth and eyes and dog legs and ran to Jesse's location, intending to kill. 

This happened to be the day mchandsoap were getting married. It was beautiful. There was gravy everywhere. They got very salty rainbow gravy from the gap and covered everything and themselves with it. The guests all had to love gravy or the gravy would burn through their skin and turn them into giraffe vampires. 

Winston ended up turning into a giraffepire. Guess he hated gravy. The fool. Gravy was the only way to be enlightened. 

Him and Tracer may have exploded, but they reformed and were still shockingly invited to the wedding. The bread shop had to be closed down because Jesse's pink sparkle vomit was a health hazard and they couldn't clean it. 

Little did they know the beast was coming for him. 

Mchandsoap said their I do's and kissed passionately as fireworks boomed above them. The rainbow gravy glistened in the light of their burning flame of love. Truly a sight to behold. 

Mercy was crying tears of joy, and was so happy she punched herself in the face. She didnt get back up. 

The reception began. Mchandsoap danced to their favourite song in the world: a dubstep mashup of the dora the explorer theme song. 

"Oh Jesse, this is such a lovely wedding..." Hanzo commented with glee, "I'm so glad we got so much gravy."

Jesse nodded. "Me too. It's a little sticky though. Maybe there's not enough salt. Hey, do you smell cupcakes?"

Suddenly the scent of freshly baked cupcakes wafted through the air. Everyone turned their attention to the direction it was coming from. 

Soldier 76 and Sombra were talking about Voltron and arguing about kants versus chef which were both good ships but you know fandoms can be a huge steaming pile of 

Anyways the giant bread monster was coming for them. It smelled like cupcakes because Jesse's puke was made out of pink sparkly cupcake icing. Hanzo enjoyed this feature about his husband greatly. 

Everyone screamed as they pointed at the loaf beast. They ran away as it approached the dance floor. Mercy didn't run away because she was still unconcious and drowning in gravy. 

Bastion grabbed her body and saved her before the monster stepped in the gravy. It roared and eyed Jesse like a hawk after it's prey. 

"It wants me!" 

Hanzo stepped in front of him protectively. "Non"

Suddenly Mei came charging at the loaf monster at the speed of light, yelling out the full macarena song. Somehow she managed to eat it whole. 

Everyone cheered. Mei was a hero. 

"All in a days macarena!" she exclaimed proudly. 

Jesse took Hanzo's hand gently and looked deep into his eyes. "You are the vomit of my macarena"

Everyone went awwwwww. 

Then the gravy started to boil.

Oh

no.

Their love!

It was cooking the gravy! 

Their flaming hot love was literally boiling!

And so they all turned into poutine. Except for Winston who was a vampire giraffe. He was just angry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eat sock

**Author's Note:**

> you must pick the right loaf


End file.
